Treat Everyone With Respect

Now that we know our value, our needs and wants, everyone elses’ needs and wants, and we have evaluated all the possibilities, we can negotiate. With respect.

Respect is defined as “worthy of regard.” That means I’ve put some effort in knowing about and understanding you and your motives.

When I talk about negotiation I’m sure many of you still are thinking that it’s a game with a winner and a loser. Stop it. There are no losers in good negotiation. In fact, if done properly, negotiation will always end in win-win situations that continue to increase the value for everyone involved and increase the chance of positive outcomes for future interactions.

It’s called building a relationship.

I can hear some of you scoffing, groaning, even rolling your eyes. Many of you see that emotionally-charged word and think “I don’t want to be in a relationship with this person/these people!” Relax. By relationship I only mean that you are building some level of understanding and consistency of behavior that helps you best determine your future interactions.

The flip side of not using respect is what many of you might refer to as manipulation. That is, “I’m doing something I figure will not benefit or help you, even may do you harm, because I can get something out of it.”

My youngest daughter, whom I mentioned earlier, knows all about manipulation. She knows what she wants and needs and goes after it intensely. Sometimes there are tears, yelling and mean words involved. So let me stop you here with another definition. When someone is willing to go to any lengths to harm themselves or another to get what they want, it’s called terrorism.

And we do NOT negotiate with terrorists.

Should you face a terrorist situation, one in which you find your needs and wants completely disregarded, one in which you are not being treated with respect, one in which your personal value continues to be threatened, you must stop the discussion in it’s entirety and walk away. Leave the negotiation completely because not only will you not win, you will lose—face, grace, respect, trust, honor, confidence, and many other valuable values.

When my daughter behaves like a terrorist, I stop her with one sentence: “you are behaving like a terrorist so this negotiation is over.”  More often then not, the behavior stops instantly.  She has learned to give herself (and me) about 15 minutes to calm down, think things over and then usually she reengages in a more acceptable manner. 

This works at work too.  If you are feeling threatened, you have every right to say calmly “please excuse me for a few minutes.  I’ll be back in 5 minutes.”  Then take a few minutes to yourself focused on understanding why you are feeling threatened. Then have the courtesy and respect for the other party to return to the discussion, if only to say, “I’m uncomfortable with how this discussion is proceeding.”  Options at this point can range from setting a time for a day or two later to return to the discussion, bring in a mediator, or even talk about why the conversation is uncomfortable.

For example, I once was in a meeting where a participant began yelling at others, using extrememly derogatory language.  As the meeting leader, I immediately stopped the meeting. “Why don’t we stop the meeting here. I will schedule another meeting next week for us to resume this discussion.” After everyone had dispersed, I asked the individual what his biggest concerns were and why he was so upset.  The following week, he apologized to the participants and explained his concerns.  The rest of the meeting went smoothly and the issues resolved.

This is another reason why rule number one is so important. When you know your value you are less likely to face terrorism.

Therefore, my best negotiation-practice advice to you is to continue working to reinforce rule number 1: know your value. The more you can stay connected to your value and why you have high value, the better your chances that you will have successful negotiations, relationships and growth throughout your life.

Evaluate The Possibilities

Once we know our value (and truly believe in it…if you don’t, go back and reread before continuing), know what we need and determine what everyone else needs, we must talk about sacrifice before we negotiate.

Don’t do it.

Yes, that’s the rule in negotiation–do NOT sacrifice.

Sacrifice is a loaded word. People equate it with saints and martyrs and heroes. However, sacrifice is the stuff of losers. People do it when they don’t value who they are.

My good friend Merriam Webster defines sacrifice as “loss.” That’s because sacrifice is giving up something of value for something of lesser value.

In The Power of One by Bryce Courtney, seven-year-old Peekay arrives in Barbertown, South Africa, with an aptitude to learn, but no structure. Doc, an aging German botanist discovers Peekay’s quick intelligence and curiosity and takes him under his wing to teach him. Peekay’s mother initially objects because she cannot afford to pay for the lessons and won’t take charity. But Doc suggests that Peekay accompany him on day trips into the South African hills to gather rare cacti. Exchanging education for digging in the dirt might seem like a sacrifice. But to an aging botanist, value is someone who can operate a spade with the strength and precision necessary to move rare plant specimens and who can document his findings meticulously. Doc is no saint. He has needs. And by understanding the needs of Peekay and Peekay’s mother, he gets what he wants.

Later in the book Peekay jumps in front of a prison sargeant’s kick, which was meant for Doc’s ribs. While recovering in the hospital, Peekay is confused to find himself lauded as a hero. “Doc was the most important person in my life, and the thought of him [being hit] was unbearable.”

To Peekay, Doc’s health and well being is of utmost value. Not because he doesn’t value his health and well being, but because he has evaluated (quickly) all possibilities of that exchange. To the aging and fragile Doc, that physical injury would potentially have been lethal. Whereas for the young and healthy Peekay, it just meant some temporary pain and discomfort.

Evaluating the possibilities works best using two simple words: “if” and “then.” “If this happens, then that will result.” It’s not difficult; it’s basic science and human nature.

What is difficult is making sure you take into account all the possibilities, including time. That’s because not everything of value is instantaneous. Sometimes results take awhile, but end up being more valuable. And negotiation is all about value. Evaluating the possibilities is simply a way to find out how to generate the most value for you and for the person with whom you are negotiating.

For example, I was asked to work on a project that needed some extra time at work. I value my job, but I also value my personal time. After careful evaluation, I chose to work the extra time in exchange for a bonus personal day. So in return for giving three extra hours to work on a cold, dark December evening, I received eight hours of time that I used to go hiking in the spring. My company got their work done in a more condensed timeframe, and I got more than double my personal time. Definitely doesn’t make me a martyr, wouldn’t you agree?

But then again, I don’t ever want to be one.

Know What Other People Want

Relationships–professional or personal–don’t work too well when one person does all the giving or all the taking, so it’s vital that you understand the other people when negotiating. Specifically, you must understand their needs and wants.

Since we established that knowing what we want is difficult, you can imagine that knowing what others need or want is even more so.

So how do you find out? You can ask, and that’s not a bad way to start. But the best tools are simple ones. Observation, clarifying questions and careful listening. Notice I didn’t say they were easy. That’s because simple doesn’t always mean easy.

For example, I often negotiate with my youngest daughter. She is a darling little girl who, when asked what she wants doesn’t EVER hesitate to tell you in detailed language. She prefers to pick out her own clothes, to determine her own lunch (and dinner) menu, to manage her speed, to set her own schedule and to be outdoors. She doesn’t take too well to someone encroaching on any of these decisions. She likes wearing green umbro shorts with pink t-shirt and cowboy boots, eat meals consisting only of baked beans and black olives, speed through homework but poke around in the garden, and wake up at 4:30 a.m. on the weekends but struggle to get out of bed at 6:30 during the week.  I think it’s safe to say that one of her driving needs is independence.

It’s part of her charm. And I respect that in my negotiations with her. This isn’t to say she has the upper hand. It means, that knowing she prefers to be independent, I might frame my language to show her how my needs can be met without infringing on her independence.

“You may play outside for half an hour (her request) as long as you stay only in our yard (my need for safety as the daylight dwindles faster these days).  I will be checking, and if you go out of the yard, regardless of reason, you will come in immediately and not be allowed to play outside the rest of the week (setting the expectation so it’s clear).” 

This also works at work.  “I’m happy to help with this project (their request).  Here is the information I need by Tuesday in order to meet your requested deadline (my need).  Because of the time constraints of the production process (the boundaries that neither of us can influence), not receiving all this information or receiving it after Tuesday will put this deadline in jeopardy (setting the expectation so it’s clear).” 

No. It’s not manipulation. I truly care about my daughter’s independence. I truly want her to feel fulfilled at the end of our negotiation. But not at the detriment of my need to keep her safe, healthy, educated, etc. Likewise, I truly care about completing projects within appropriate specifications. But not at the detriment of all the other projects I’m handling at the same time, or at the detriment of my hard won work-life balance. That would be a sacrifice, and like Abbe Faria said in my favorite pirate story (because pirates are master negotiators), The Count of Monte Cristo, “I’m not a saint.”

But we’ll talk about that next when we learn how to Evaluate All The Posibilities.

Know Your Needs and Wants

Once you know your value, you need to know what you need and want. Sound easy? It isn’t.

Let’s think Pirates of the Caribbean.

Elizabeth Swann has been captured by the pirates and negotiates for them to cease fire on Port Royal. The pirate captain asks “what is it that you want?” She replies “for you to leave and never come back.”

The captain agrees and the first mate orders cannons stopped and stowed and flags unfurled for sail. Elizabeth realizing they are about to set sail with her still aboard demands the captain put her ashore. The captain replies “your return to shore was not part of our negotiation nor agreement.”

Knowing what you need and want means being clear to yourself and others about what your expectation is. Your needs and wants will only be met as far as you can identify them.  And you must be clear about what is a need and what is a want, both to yourself and others.

At work, my primary need is to deliver results.  What I want is time.  Everyone has needs and wants for which they look to me and my team for help.  It would be tempting to gain time by pushing work back to requesters, asking them to do it themselves or cherry picking projects.  However, my other need is to build solid relationships across the organization that help me ensure results long-term.  So I turn to the economic theory of comparative advantage to determine how much responsibility to assume. The requesters are not experts at what I do. That’s why they ask me to do it.  However, they are experts in their own area.

When I look to where I spend the majority of my time, I found that most of it is spent trying to uncover the information necessary to make decisions, and then ensuring the entire organization is on the same page. Therefore, I ask that requesters give me the information. My expectation is also that they have the buy-in from all affected functions in the organization. This allows us each to be experts at what we should be, divide work appropriately and deliver the best we both have to offer.

To figure out your needs and wants, it’s best to take a few minutes and envision the best outcome. Think it through, and ask yourself these questions:

• What do I really expect to have happen? What does it look like? Feel like? Sound like?
• What do I NOT want to have happen? Think the worst. What would make the worst happen? (And make sure you account for that!)
• What assumptions have I made? What am I taking for granted…because you may be the only one who is taking it for granted! 

Elizabether Swann learned this the hard way…several times in Pirates of the Caribbean. But she soon caught on. Knowing your needs and wants is the difference between being set free on a deserted isle in the Caribbean with no food or water and being set free safely back in your home harbor.

Tune in next when we explore rule 3 of negotiations–how to find out what others need and want. Hint: Observation!

Know Your Value

Those of you who know me know I have a “no self deprecation” rule that I enforce strictly. It stems from rule one of negotiation.

Every person has value. High value. Marianne Williamson explained it best when she said “we ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? … Your playing small does not serve the world.”

But there is only one person in your life that MUST think you’re valuable. YOU! And there is only one person who can control what is said about you — a major component of how others see you. YOU! So don’t self deprecate.

Valuing yourself means knowing and accepting who you are. There are a million self-help books that talk about this topic. But you don’t have to buy any of them. If you can answer the following questions, you’re good. If you can’t answer them, well, find the answers:

1. What do I like to do?
2. What do I do well?
3. Do I make sure I actively do those things I like and do well? (if your answer is no, change the question to “How can I make sure I actively do those things…”)
4. Who do I want to be?
5. Do I believe I can be who I want to be? (if your answer is no, change the question to “How can I take steps to ensure I will be who I want to be?”)

Seriously, if you can’t answer those questions, stop right now and answer them.

Yes, it’s that important. If you don’t master this rule, you will never negotiate well. All success in negotiation is determined by how well you know your value. Why? If you don’t think you’re important enough to deserve what you want, you won’t get it. That’s because if you don’t think you’re important enough, you aren’t likely are you put forth the effort necessary TO get it.

Of course, that means you must also know what you want. We’ll talk about that next week, so stay tuned…

Negotiation: The Lost Art

My entire life I’ve been fascinated with how people build relationships. It’s actually why I’m a professional communicator and not a physicist (well, that and calculus). During my studies, my observations and my experiences the one skill that most determined successful relationship building was knowing how to negotiate.

That’s because relationships and negotiation have a direct correlation. The better you know someone (relationship), the more likely you will have effective negotiations. And the better you negotiate, the more likely you and whomever you’re negotiating with will have a joint favorable outcome, which builds better relationships.

Now, when I say negotiation, I don’t mean that one person gets their way while another doesn’t. I mean that both peoples’ needs or wants are met.

 

It’s not always easy. But it is simple:

1.Know your value
2.Know your needs and wants
3.Know others needs and wants
4.Consider all possible outcomes
5.Treat everyone with respect

We will look at each of these of these rules individually over the next few weeks, and then learn when negotiating doesn’t work. Let’s start with Know Your Value.

Letters Aren’t Just Bits of the Alphabet

Isa, an 85-year old Italian war bride with a PhD in Philosophy, has become my role model for excellent communications.  But she speaks with a thick Italian accent, rarely uses her telephone and doesn’t own a computer.  

Because of her thick accent, she requires your undivided attention when she talks to you.  Not only orally, but visually too.  Her simple nuances with her face or hands speak eloquent volumes about what she is trying to say.  The more I learn to listen to her, the better a listener I become.  Not just to Isa, but to everyone with whom I now come in contact.  I thought I was a good listener before, but I am amazed at how many other things used to distract me.  Simple things, like taking off my reading glasses and turning away from my phone when at work, or turning off the music or TV when at home.   Not only do the communications feel more effective, they are more enjoyable too.

Because of her accent, Isa rarely uses the phone.  Her primary means of communicating with friends and family is by letter.  Margaret is her best friend, and Isa speaks of her often and dearly.  Yet she’s only seen Margaret twice in nearly a dozen years ago.  Every week, they send letters to one another telling about their day, their families, and whatever else is going on in their lives.  My traditional, romantic, idealistic nature fell completely in love with this idea of “pen pals.” 

I myself have become a letter writer.  Yes, I still use e-mail, text messages, phone calls, blogs and comments, but now I have additional options – letters, notes, postcards.  And I send them to my friends.  The feedback has been astoundingly positive, though sometimes they complain, “but you already told me that when you called/I saw you at lunch!”  It’s helping me develop patience and to slow the pace of my life, to enjoy my friends. 

It took awhile, but it happened–I received my first ever pen-on-paper-with-a-stamp-post-marked letter.  I was deliriously happy!  The letters come from someone I see a couple times a week and with whom I exchange e-mails and telephone calls daily.  And they always contain something interesting.  My favorite letter was one in which he explained how iron ore was made into wrought iron or stainless steel.  

I know…the stuff of movies – or not…but what a joy! 

In one letter he confessed to having kept a job offer he received, but declined. simply because it was so beautifully presented.  I immediately wanted to see it, to recreate it – not for a job offer, but for appropriate professional use of another kind.

And I imagine everyone being as excited about receiving information about health care as I am about receiving his letters.  Everyday I open the mailbox with the anticipation of a child waiting for Santa Claus.  I know the feel of his stationery immediately and pull the letter out to look at the blue of the ink on the creamy envelope.  I smile and set it aside for a quiet moment.  They are treasures, gifts to be anticipated and enjoyed.  I keep them tied with a ribbon near my laptop.  Sometimes, often, I read them more than once. 

It reminds me of my childhood heroines–Abigail Adams, Dolley Madison, Edith Wilson, Anne Morrow Lindbergh.  All of them great letter writers.  All of them great women.

Letter writing has changed my communications practices forever.  I have my own stationery and a favorite pen.  I take pride in buying stamps – ones that reflect my personality.  I’ve handwritten many thank you notes to people who helped me out at work or through volunteer activities.  I’m leaving notes in my daughters’ lunch boxes, or on the chalkboard in the kitchen.

And while I still engage in technologically advanced communications media, I’m thankful for this more simple, more personal, more thoughtful (if not traditional) option.  I hope the trend catches.  Then maybe the postage rate won’t need to keep increasing.  Maybe it will redefine the phrase “going postal” from meaning breaking-point violence to mean extending long-term friendship. 

Or maybe I’m just and idealist.  Regardless I’m a better communicator.